Damn I am sick of the fighting. All I want is for numbnuts and fruitbag (dad and mom) to grow the fuck up and stop terrorizing me and each other. and the dogs. But do they care that they've caused me lasting harm? nooo. They're too busy dancing. I can't leave. I can't work. And I suspect the recent family members we discovered are overwhelmed by us already, so probably no help there. And there aren't enough words to describe how demoralizing and sick the SSI option has been allowed to get. SSI/SSDI is a cesspool of fuck-up bureaucracy. Always an excuse as to why NN and FB 'can't' make the necessary changes. Even my psychiatrist, who I only went to for help WITH THIS PROBLEM and to see if I was Autistic, suggested the dire need for family counseling. To my two-faced enabling mother's face. Dad, of course, couldn't come that day. What a surprise. It doesn't help that they are super old, either. FUUUUUU. I do not enjoy airing my laundry on the net like this, but some day, it will no longer be necessary because we will have gotten SUFFICIENT HELP and the problem will have lessened or disappeared with time. 35 years, my entire life, is far too long for me to have had to wait. Son of a bitch I'm sick of this shit. My entire being, at this point, is reduced to a sharp sword, pointed toward the eventuality of somehow improving this situation to my satisfaction and relief, as theirs is up to them. I won't stop. I won't cease. I WILL have my way. IT WILL STOP. I may scream for them to stop as it's my only remaining release, (not that they care, 'coz if they did they would), but I won't get violent. I don't need to, not anymore. (Sadly, my screaming is the ONLY thing that stops them. It's nuts.) Besides, if I even LOOK like I'm defending myself against the terror-inducing tirades, I get the cops called on me. ME. Not him. Me. Yeesh. They weren't much help, either. Neither was my psychiatrist. There is something very wrong about that. Very wrong, indeed. Telling them nicely has never worked, either, so don't bother telling me to do something I've already tried.

I am not doing this for attention. I am just doing this to vent. Again. Because the sitch remains unresolved and no one I talk to has any clue how to fix it that will actually work for my family. BOOM. Cowards, all of em. I just needed to vent today. And I'll probably delete this one too. My mother will be 'embarrassed' by it, instead of being horrified for our safety like she SHOULD be. What a bitch. Plus we have three dogs, two of whom are new pup-pups. She frequently threatens me with 'Well we won't be able to take the dogs if we leave'. You know, because she's an emotionally-blackmailing bitch. She used to manipulate him into yelling at me, too. no shit. HAHA.

Oh yeah... god I just remembered. When I was a kid, and mom had decided I had pissed her off enough to warrant telling dad, he would come home after work, rip off my blankets if I was trying to sleep away the stress and enter into tirade mode. They still think it's not abuse because they didn't hit me hard enough while spanking me as a child, and don't hit me anymore as an adult. Um... lulz? I am not a troll. I am not making this shit up. I don't need that crap.

No shit I'll delete this later, just because I'm scared of what she might do if she reads it. See, she called the cops on me once because I dared to tape one of his tirades. Not him. ME. She. Called. The. Cops. On. ME. I stopped trusting her that day. She's never getting that back.