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View Profile Vagenturecbos
One hundred meters? That ought to keep the cows guessing.
-D4S17SHADA

Grumpy TheUnicorn @Vagenturecbos

38, Female

philosopher

Instinct, like the man said.

France, Kasterborous

Joined on 1/24/10

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Thoughts on Suicide

Posted by Vagenturecbos - April 6th, 2019


LOL! I mean, does anyone else get that way at random points of the day when you think of your situation OR NOT, like it's hormonal or something? I know my uh 'father' yelled insanely at us over something HE misinterpreted last night for like, three or four hours; it's what he does. Then he blames you for screaming at him to stop because:


A. your mother has heart disease; he sure cares a lot about his wife, doesn't he? O.o

B. He's had several strokes and literally the only thing that stops him is screaming in his ear. Words, ANY words, DO. NOT. Help. He is psycho when you tell him calmly to stop. YOU CAN't TELL ME WHAT TO DO. No shit that's what he says.

C. This is what he has done to us for 35 years. I can't work, so I can't leave. FUUUUUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

D. Doctors don't believe me. I feel that. Really, I mean, who would? He's just so fucking NICE to THEM. And people FLOCK to this man, no shit. EVERY woman in a ten mile radius. Once they interact with him, they just want to chat him up all day long. He's such a big teddy bear, yeah? ARGH. Yeah he's REAL nice at home. The bastards have called me paranoid. So there goes any help from any OTHER doctors, becuase once the big P shows up in your file? BOOM. you are ignored.

E. His counselor, which we FINALLY got him to find and see, claims he's not Autistic, but he just has ADHD. LOLWUT? He's practically a POSTER CHILD for it. I have a diagnosis for myself. I know what I'm about, damn it. IF he doesn't have it, he's pretty damn close. HE misses every inflection, can't hear worth a damn (we're trying to find the money for the hearing aids he finally realized he needed after SOMEONE ELSE told him- he won't listen to us) Can't remember shit you tell him, yada yada. Poor bastard. Poor. ABUSIVE. Bastard. He claims we abuse him, when we are defendig against his crazy the only way that works, by calling him every damn name we can think of and screaming our heads off because NOTHING ELSE STOPS HIS FUCKING RAMPAGE. Believe me, there is little we haven't tried. He does NOT respond to the normal techniques most people would. He just gets MADDER.

F. He's lucky he doesn't hit us, or I woudl be on his ass with a bat like flies on shit. Or msybe bare-handed; I'm game. I can fight, unlike my mother who just cowers in the corner because she can't handle anything anymore.

I care for him, but we can't deal with this. And both parents are old. Like, 60s and 70s. he has been doing this since before I was alive. Not cool. And it needs to end. Nobody seems to believe me or give a fuck.

G. No shit, I called the cops on his ass once; he MADE FRIENDS WIHT THE FUCKING COPS, like it was a god damn social visit, kept obliviously trying to Impress Them wiht the fact his brother was a sheriff in another state. OMG. WTF?

H. nobody wants to explain anything about this to me. Like they dont wnt to t ouch it and I am really... quite pissed about authority's lack of response to this.

I. We can't think well enough long enough to get anything done really because he's ALWAYS GOING OFF. He cannot face his problem and runs from it. Every. Time. And the apologies are worse; either they are sarcastic or he goes right back to yelling five minutes after if you DARE to tell him to leave you alone afterward. HA. Dickhead.

J. And, guess what? WE JUST GOT TWO NEW BEAUTIFUL PUPPIES IN FEBRUARY, becuaes my mohter magically thought that him going to a counselor nad the doctor putting him on... citalopram.... would ACTUALLY WORK.

K. Two of our dogs died earlier, and we used our (Federal, I think?) tax refund to get the pup-pups, who are the most beautiful, loving, wonderful dogs you could imagine. WE needed these two furbabies in our lives. But I worry for them, becuase of him. How dare he do that to them? Not. Pleased. I get feral about abuse. Exceedingly so. And I will NOt apologize.

L. One night, he jumped up out of his chair at my latest imagined slight and looked so angry and hateful I literally thought he was gonna kill me. I thought I was going to die. AFter that, I wanted to kill him, to save us. I do not anymore, because I found the strength to get past those feelings. But he still goes after my mother like that. Almost every day. He punched the wall and broke his hand one time. This can't continue. I told my former psychologist about it, my feelings, all of it... this psychologist whom I had gone to see becaude I wanted to know if I was autistic, and he just... did. NOTHING. Asshole. I feel like he thouht I was lying. Mom even told him waht happened and he just... did. NOTHING. WHY? I woudl give ANYTHING to know WHY no one wants to help us. WE did NOTHING to deserve that.


Anyway... I do love him, but I don't have to take this from him and neither does she. WE should never have had to.

He's uh... special. And well, that did it. kind of. But I feel kinda okay today. hopefully it won't hit like it usually does after one of his runs. IS anyone else like that? I keep wondering if some of mine is hormonal... fucking ovaries. ;))) (sometimes before my period I have whiteout-inducing pain, or an odd twisting sensation in my ovaries)

I am sitting here laughing right now becaues it's just so fucking ludicrous. He gets every friend ever and we are just left... out in the cold, like always. no matter how kind or nice we are. Our moeny, which we've never had a lot of, is tied up... so, haha.

Shikata ga nai.


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Comments

i can't say i have been in an abusive relationship with my father so i can't handle on that. i know about mental and physical abuse though. unfortunally i can't solve your problems although i would love to. i have some friends with menatally abusive parents and i have send someone to her bf because her mom went of like an atomic bomb on her and i didn't think it was save. i had the luck people believed me. the only thing i can do to help you is give you advice.

if nobody believes you give them proof. if he is mentally abusing you than record what he is yelling, record when just goes of flying about nothing. you could do that with audio recording or even secret camera's around the room where he won't find them. this is indeed very risky to do because clearly he has anger issues but it is proof for the cops and other people that he isn't the sweet guy he claims to be. if you want it to stop and you want him to stop and you think it is worth the risk to get him caught i suggest that. or you can call someone while the conversation is going on so they can be a witness to it (do it unseen though, i wouldn't want you or your mom to get hurt) anyway thats the only thing i can come up with right now. there probebly other ways like getting him caught while he is yelling but i am afraid he would be able to turn the conversation around. the way i suggest isn't the best way to solve it but it is the most solid way to get proof of him that is crystal clear and would be really hard to turn his word around if you do it right.

i really hope you will feel better soon and he will stop (even though you said it has been going on for 35 years). i atleast hope you can have a couple quite days from him. nobody deserves to be abused be it physical or mentally both is wrong.

Heh. I tried to record him once. My mother turned on me and took my purse (I was about to run off away form the house, to get away for a while) and made me take out my recorder. I toldthem I was giving it to my non-clinical psychologist at the time. I didn't get to. THEY TOOK IT. I had posted the video on youtube, so my friends could see. HAHAHA eat taht bitch. But they probably couldn't because the bitch made me take it down- literally forced me on the computer and stood there over me like a slavering hagraven. (that happened AFTER what I'm about to tell you) the next day. And she nad dad threatened me, saying things would happen ( I don't remember what they were now, it's been over 7 years) if I did it again. Claimed I 'couldn't' record them becuaes of where my father worked. (Honeywell, doing some top secret stuff that he literally couldn't talk about.) so, yeah. no recording. They went psycho on me that night. THE THEY CALLED HTE COPS ON ME. ME. NOT HIM. MEEEEE. There is now a record of the cops being called on me. (I DON't EVEN.) The very idea that I could break the law is traumatizing for me, so having them called on me, when they should have been called on SOMEONE ELSE? Knowing I have an extreme!!! fear of authority and reprimand? It still upsets me a little, 7 years on. I hated them a long time after that. Now, I just want it to stop. ;) I can wait. I will wait. Until the moment arrives where it will end. I will outlast. And I will do it without violence or hatred. ;) (Of course, a bluff never hurt anyone. Heheh. I regularly have to bluff him with violence, becuase normal words do not work. It's the most bizarre thing. She's no better. She manipulates him, nags him to death. nags me to death. And then she CONTINUES to escalate it by talking to him, then acts as if she did nothing. ARGH. ;) It's a pill. But at least we have a warm house to live in and food and all that. CAn't WAIT to see his counselor and tell her all this. That will be a fun day. Am anxiously waiting. MAy pop popcorn. ;))))

Remember, I called the cops on him once, after they did it to me. They HAVE a record. But they 'can't do anything.' yeesh. oh well, I'ma go play Skyrim and wish it was DAI: The Wrath of Solas. LOL. I need more Solas in my life, bruh. Yes, we have a ps4. Can't pay our bills, but we have a ps4. That's my mom for you. Traitorous bitch. But she's my traitorous bitch. ARGH. ;O She buys shit, claims it's for me. LOLWUT??? she STILL claims the PS4 was 'for me'. hse claims she cna't even run the damn controller because of neuropathy and arthritis. But she does fine with tetris. So uess who has to? Gonna go now. HAve a good day, yeah? ;))) Like, laugh and stuff. IT's all you can do, bruh. Also, thank you for your kindness. It means the world to me, and everyone you have/will give it to. REmember to be kind to yourself, too, yeah? ;)